Trusting God

I have been in a very pensive mood this morning.  When I got home from the gym, I got a cup of coffee, a blanket, and some music and went to enjoy the sunrise on the deck.  There is something renewing about watching the sun rise in the morning, I might try it more often.

Recently in church and in our small group we have been talking about prayer and the importance of it.  About a year and half ago an incident happened to someone I knew and it spurred me on to a deeper, more committed prayer life.  I saw the importance of prayer in her life and am continuing to see it, therefore it led me to see the importance of it in my life - daily.  However, I have been thinking lately that I am just praying because I know I am supposed to.  There is nothing wrong with that, God still hears those prayers.  I'm not sure though that in all things I am praying with belief.  Sure, I pray with belief in my head - I know that God will answer - maybe not in the way or in the time that I want, but He will answer.

The key word is I know - I feel like it's a brain thing for me right now and not a heart thing.  I'm not sure why either.  Faith is one of my spiritual gifts and I have always just been able to truly believe that God was in control of everything in my life without question.  Most of the time having peace in those situations.  Now, I admit that I still have anxiety about some of those situations, but that is my flesh, even through the anxiety I knew the Lord was in control and it would be ok.

Until now.  I think I have been ignoring it and going through the motions that everything was ok, but it's not.  Even before our miscarriage I prayed to the Lord daily that He would create life in my womb and I believed that He would if that was His will and that He would in His time.  Then I got pregnant and praised the Lord for the life He created.  I cherished those 9 weeks of thinking about this little lamb growing in my womb.  But then, unexplicably that life was taken from us and it devasted us, but even in that tragedy I trusted the Lord and I praised Him for He taught me a lot through all of it.

I must confess though, that through the months after the miscarriage it has gotten harder to have that faith and to trust in God in my heart.  I still pray daily, knowing that the Lord will create life when He sees fit.  Even typing this, I still know that God is in control and I will never doubt that - right now I'm trying to get my heart to believe it - to trust God with all my life and my breath.  I'm crying even now, because I so desperately want to believe it with my heart and I do think that God is helping me and healing me. 

The past couple of months I feel like I have tried to take things into my own hands like I had some control over the creation of life.  Even through writing this, God is breaking me and showing me that He is the giver of life - I have nothing to do with it and until it is His time I can do nothing about it.

The due date of our baby is nearing and each day that draws me closer to that date gets harder.  I knew the day would be hard, but I never imagined that the weeks leading up to it would effect me like this.  However, I do know that everything has its purpose and I know that God will hold me in His arms and let me rest there during this time.  Even now, He is beginning to fill my heart with peace as I rest on His promises and remember Him.

My desire for the next couple of months is to give up control to my Heavenly Father, the giver of life.  To rest in His promises and to strive to desire Him more than anything on this earth.  Even the best desires on this earth can hinder our desire for the Lord.  I don't want to let my desire for a child stand in the way anymore.

One of the girls in my Bible study shared with us a passage that she holds dear to her heart - 1 Samuel 1 - It is the story of Hannah and her desire for a child.  A desire so strong that after many years of waiting and sacrificing double what she normally would, she finally wept and prayed out of bitterness, praying with such depth of sorrow that her husband thought she was drunk.  She prayed to the Lord that if He would grant her a child that she would vow to give him back to the Lord for all the days of his life.  She left the place of worship with a peace and ate something.  She went on with her life as she should trusting the Lord to answer her prayer.  Verse 20 is especially important to me because it says that "In the course of time Hannah conceived and gave birth to a son..."  It doesn't say immediately.  It says in the course of time - in the course of the Lord's time.

I must wait and I must wait living my life as the Lord calls me, not live waiting on the Lord to answer me.  I will go and live my life learning to trust the Lord with my heart - heart belief not just head belief.

And, in the course of time...