Eternity

I don't have a great memory,  I have a large capacity to remember random, stupid stuff, but I don't have a great memory.  I remember specific moments from childhood from each age, but not a lot of stuff.  I had a great childhood however, I'm not trying to bury anything, I just don't have a great memory!

I do however distinctly remember the day I became a Christian.  I was around the age 8.  My parents had just started a new church with a few new families and my dad was our lay pastor for a little while.  That particular Sunday I was sitting by myself, my dad was preaching and my mom was preparing for the potluck later that afternoon.  I remember listening to the sermon and then a lady got up and sang Bethlehem Morning by Sandi Patty.  It was during that song that I distinctly remember truly feeling the Lord knock and tug on my heart.  It was undeniable.  I shared with my parents and we went back to a room and I prayed the sinners prayer and then we went to enjoy the potluck for lunch.

I remember that day like it was yesterday and I feel like it is a gift from God.  I have never doubted my salvation, I have never doubted my decision.  It is part of me and from that day on I continued to grow in my relationship.

Now another distinct memory that I have is that I used to struggle with the concept of eternity.  I used to think about the world ending and going to heaven a lot.  While it was comforting, in my finite childlike mind it was very scary as well.  I mean - ETERNITY.  What is that???  FOREVER.  I remember I used to start thinking and it would take me down a rabbit hole and just make me so anxious.  One night specifically, I remember laying in my bed.  I can tell you exactly how my room was laid out.  My white iron bed was in the corner of my bright pink room.  My mom had already tucked me in and I started thinking as I was trying to go to sleep.  It got so overwhelming that I had to call her to come back in.  As I started talking to her about it, I started crying.  She decided it was time that I go talk to our pastor.  I remember sitting in the office with him.  I don't remember what the conversation was, but I remember he helped me understand that we can't know or wrap our mind around everything and from that point forward, I didn't really deal with anxiety over that anymore.

Fast forward to a couple of weeks ago.  I laid down to go to sleep that night and I felt like I had been transported back to my iron bed in my pink room.  My mind started running down that rabbit hole of eternity again.  It's really the issue of trying to wrap my mind around it, it's too much.  But this time, for the first time in my life, I started questioning God.  Is He real?  What if I am wrong?  I'm holding on to eternity, but what if all I have is now?  I have put my belief in something pretty much my whole life - what if I'm the one that's wrong?

Now I'm sure most of you have had moments like this throughout your Christian life, but this truly was my first.  And it came out of the blue.  I had to wake Nate up to talk to me so I could get my mind moving in another direction in order to go to sleep that night.  It was so weird to me.

Honestly, I think the anxiety comes from the human side of me wanting to be on earth as long as possible with my family.  I love the gifts that God has given me and I love spending time with them and I want it to continue.  I'm trying to hold on to this world, when really I just need to let go.

And as far as the questions go - don't worry - I'm still standing strong in my faith.  I may wonder at the questions, but when I think over my life there is no question that there is a God.  He created this world, He sent His son to die for me, He saved me, He has a place waiting for me in eternity.  I'm not wrong.  I'm right.  There are some things about God that we will never fully comprehend until we get to heaven and I just  need to stop trying! 

There are a lot of awful things that happen in this world and without God they would just remain awful and tragic.  But with God, those awful and tragic things can become beautiful, they can stand to bring even more glory to God.  Those that believe in Him will one day all bow before Him and worship Him for all eternity.  When I let go of my human side, I truly see the beauty in that.

Eternity isn't something to be scared of, or to even try to wrap your mind around.  Eternity is something to hold on to for hope.  This world is not it for us, and while I think the gifts here that God has blessed me with are pretty great - I ain't seen nothing yet!