I have to believe that right now. Round Three was a big fat negative this morning. It is really hard - harder than I thought. It is something that I do not understand and probably will never fully understand. Something I do understand is that God is Sovereign and He is in control of our lives. That is the only thing that gives me peace right now, which I guess is how it is supposed to be.
The human side of me this morning wants to just throw myself on the floor and have a tantrum, which I might end up doing in the near future! But the side of me that has the Spirit is screaming - IT IS GOING TO BE OK, YOU JUST HAVE TO TRUST. It is a battle this morning and I pray that the Spirit continues to win.
What I have to realize is that IT IS GOING TO BE OK, does not mean that I am going to have a baby from my own womb. I have not lost faith or hope, but we have to start being realistic at this point. All conditions were perfect this last time, I mean everything, we have so many people praying for us, so I have to believe this is not the time for us right now. There may be a time down the road, which is why I will never give up hope, but we have to move forward with our lives. We cannot live our lives with the expectation of getting pregnant, we cannot live our lives waiting, we have to move on and live the life that God has for us - not the one that we think we would rather be living.
What has made this process even harder is that we got pregnant. We have been pregnant, we saw our baby in my womb with its heart beating and then just as soon as we saw it, the baby was gone. So my huge question in all this is why did we even get pregnant if we might possibly never get to have a baby of our own? But I stop and think about what we learned about ourselves and about each other going through that miscarriage and I do not think I would have changed a thing about it. And you know, everyone says - well you got pregnant once, surely you will get pregnant again, and maybe that is true. But I am reminded of a story about an NFL player that I watched with Nate on E60 not too long after our miscarriage. I do not remember his name, but he and his wife wanted to have a baby. I believe she got pregnant 3 times. She had a miscarriage early on with her first, and the other two she carried until they were 5 months and lost them both around that mark. She was never able to have her own baby, but by Gods provision, the pastor from their church knew of a woman that wanted to give her baby up for adoption and they adopted the cutest little girl and are so happy with her. I am sure she still wonders the same thing that I do - why did I get pregnant, why did I go through that - but God knows and that is where we have to rest.
We are not done with this journey yet, we have a meeting with the doctor on Wednesday to discuss how we will move forward. I will keep you updated.
We have some dear friends coming in town today and staying the whole weekend. I believe this is Gods provision for us to be able to have a distraction and try to enjoy ourselves this weekend. Our lives are not over, we just have to change our thinking and move on in joy.
"But blessed is the man who trusts in the LORD, whose confidence is in HIM." Jeremiah 17:7
I have people ask me if I have faith that the Lord is going to create life in my womb. I feel like I have an answer for that now that will make sense. I have faith in the LORD, I have faith that He will do what He is going to do in my life and I have faith that whatever it is will be in my best interest.
Enjoying living life walking the path that God chooses to lead us down. Realizing daily how His blessings and discipline help us to grow. How sweet it is to be loved by You, Lord!
1 comment:
Brittany, Leigh just alerted me to your blog. Had no idea you were going through all of this. Don't know if you know, but Taylor is invitro. How well I remember those questions. I well I remember sweet-meaning people with their remedies or saying "just relax," or "it will happen if it's supposed to." I will definitely be in prayer for you and am here for you if you need a shoulder that understands all too well. My little bit of advice, if I may - First - It's not your fault. Don't blame yourself and don't feel less than a woman. Second - much, much later I read about wheat allergies. I've been tested and show non allergy; however, I feel so much better when off of wheat. It's not nearly as hard as it sounds. One of the things about eating wheat when you have an allergy or sensitivity to it is infertility. Hey, it's worth a shot, right! Third - this, too, shall pass. Going through all of this helped make William and me stronger as a couple, stronger in our faith. Hang in there, sister. I'm praying for you. Faith Maxwell
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