Round One - Negative

Well, we found out yesterday that round one of IUI did not take and we are not pregnant.  Yesterday morning was a really hard one.  I had prepared myself for a negative - I kept telling myself that we can do it again, but nothing can really prepare you for the day you find out.  I was just so disappointed - I had a really good cry yesterday morning and got my frustrations out.  I think I needed that.  Every couple of months it hits harder than usual, and this was one of them.  But the amazing thing is, that every couple of months that feeling doesn't last as long.  God is good.

I sat down yesterday morning to do my bible study.  I'm walking through Esther with Beth Moore.  I started this study a long time ago and put it away during school, planning to pull it out during summer.  I love how the Lord works - yesterday in the second paragraph of what I began to read was this statement:

" I don't know exactly how God perfects plans that seem so bleak to us in process, but these two things I know: He NEVER takes His eyes off of us or off the clock ticking over us."

How perfect was that!  Of course, that made me cry more yesterday, but I was smiling through my tears.  God is sustaining Nate and I through all of this.  Yes I have pretty crappy days where I would like to just stay in bed all day and wallow in it, but I don't.  I cling to His promises and I try to pick myself up - draw strength and peace from Him and move forward with my life.

To most that know me, I am usually an open book.  I will talk about anything, anytime - just ask.  Well, I have been pretty closed off with this, even with those closest to me.  I am using this blog as an outlet for my emotions and my feelings.  I am not shutting down, God is just using this to pull me closer to Him.  For me to go to Him first - which is not how I am wired.  I usually need that human interaction - I usually have to share to get through something.  But with this situation, the more I share, the more I stay where I am.  I will be able to look back at this process, no matter the final outcome, and I will be able to share what God did in my life during this time.  But for now, I am tired of sitting in my own self-pity, I am tired of sitting still waiting on God to answer this one request.  I want to move forward and I want to move forward with the hope and faith that God will answer me.  To those that read - I know you love me, and I know you want to encourage me.  You can encourage me most by praying for us - I really felt lifted up by your prayers this past month and I am thankful that God has placed people in my life to be my prayer warriors.

We still have a lot of hope left.  We still have at least two more times of IUI before the doctor will want to do any kind of invasive test to check to make sure everything is ok.  We have had every single non-invasive test we could have and they have all come back normal - so we will move forward.  This process is hard on my emotions and my body physically and mentally.  You never know what the hormones that I have to take will do, so each month will be a new ride.  (Please pray for Nate - he has been a trooper!)

I will start taking my Clomid tomorrow and will take that for five days.  I will most likely go in on June 14 for an ultrasound to see if we are ready.  If we are ready, I will let you know the day the IUI will take place so you can be praying.

I have been given the gift of faith - for the most part faith has always come easy to me - I just believe.  Though my faith has been tested through all this, it has not waivered.  I will be a mother one day.

Here are some specific ways you can pray:

• Nate and I are not opposed to the idea of adoption.  I am not beyond thinking that the Lord may have used this trial to open our hearts to that and that one day there may be a little one out there that is supposed to be part of our family.  That being said - I still want to have our child.  I want to experience carrying my own child.  I want to have part of Nate and I walking on this earth.  So I have been praying specifically for that - for life to be created in my womb.
• Pray that it is this month - ultimately we want the Lord's will to be done in our life, but I pray that it is this month.
• Pray that our hearts may be protected, that our faith may remain strong, and that we may gain strength and peace from the Lord daily.
• As hard as it is, especially when you are going through fertility treatments, I pray that this would not remain our constant focus - that we may be able to live the life that God has given us now and be content and happy with that.

Thank you for praying with us - that means more to us that anything else every could.  We love you.