Joy at the Gym

I realized this morning as I was running on the treadmill that I now have joy at the gym.

It used to be a place of fear and heartache.  You see, a miscarriage changes your way of thinking - pretty drastically, I think.  Illogical thoughts set up residence in your brain and there really isn't a lot you can do about it.  Many times you know what you are thinking is not logical or right, but you just cannot stop yourself.  You begin to see yourself as a lot more fragile than you really are.


The gym became one of the most illogical places for me.
 
In 2006 I fell in love with running.  I was never athletic growing up.  Didn't play sports, didn't care about exercising, didn't really know what to do if I did.  But in 2006, I decided to train for and run my first 1/2 marathon.  It was the greatest experience.  I feel like I found my inner athlete and that first race was great!  But, during my second 1/2 marathon in 2007 I did something to my knee.  It wasn't bad enough to warrant going to the doc, but it was annoying enough that I just stopped running.  So I would go to the gym and I would still push myself on other machines or just walk at a pretty fast pace and a high incline.  I also added a regular regimen of weights into the mix.

Then we got pregnant in Feb. of 2009.  I still kept going to the gym and walking, but I didn't push myself quite as hard.  I couldn't really.  Then we lost the baby in April.  I have chronicled many thoughts on our miscarriage here on the blog so I won't go through it again, but it was devastating.

Thus began my two years of fear and heartache at the gym.

I would still go to the gym because I knew I needed to be healthy, but fear began to set in.  You see, we so badly wanted to have a child that for the next 2 years each month would be spent wondering if I was pregnant.  I tried to turn those thoughts off in my mind, but most of the time I couldn't - they went everywhere with me.  Before we could know if we were pregnant each month, I would worry that if I worked out too hard that I might dislodge something (illogical).  Then when we would find out I wasn't pregnant, I would worry that if I worked out too hard I would mess something up before it had time to implant (illogical).  This was a cycle I would go through for 2 years - only getting worse when we did fertility treatments because now we were paying money to try to get pregnant - didn't want to mess that up.

Yes, sometimes my walks on the treadmill would be healing, I would leave the gym feeling better.  But for the most part the gym became a place for me where I would walk and walk slowly.  And during those walks all I would do is think.  Think about the child we lost, think about what we so badly wanted - another child, think about if it would ever happen.  Then it became a time where I would try to convince myself that I would be OK if we never got pregnant - and all the emotions that went with that.

Then it became a happy time again - we were pregnant!  But through that whole pregnancy, my time at the gym was still tainted with worries of messing something up.

So now here I am, for the first time in almost 3 years - running free at the gym.  I often find myself smiling while on the treadmill.  I'm trying to start running again - it's a slow process, but it feels so good.  There is joy at the gym - I guess because I am running free of the burdens of the past couple of years.

Thank you Lord - may I look to you each day so that no matter where my journey takes me - I can run without burden.  May You carry those burdens for me in the future.  May I have faith enough to give them up and let them go.